A day that went completely tits up

We all have days that go tits up!

A few months ago we had a seriously crappy day that now serves as great entertainment. It was next level. Who knows what the universe was trying to tell us but there was a message somewhere.

It was early Saturday morning and I was trying to launch from the house with the kids who were all packed up for an overnight stay at their grandparents. My mum and dad live an hour away on the Mornington Peninsula and we were meeting halfway for breakfast halfway to do the handover. So after the packing battle, which with kids is like negotiating for the UN, we jump in my car leaving the house looking like a crime scene.

Fabulously, my car had a flat tyre thanks to a screw puncture from a nearby building site. Great. So I raced back home and tell my husband that we needed to swap cars. Even though he’s about to leave for work as a real estate agent, I figure he’s in a better position to deal with it than me.

We chuck the bags into his car, which was already running in the driveway and speed off. I call my parents and let them know we’d be a bit late but crisis averted.

Pulling into the cafe carpark 45 minutes later I switched off the car, and told the boys to grab their bags and shake a leg. Only I can’t locate the car keys to lock the car. I called my husband to ask where he put the keys – obviously I used my sweetest and most patient tone here – to which he had no idea what I was talking about.

It was at this point we’re enlightened about one of the car’s fancy features: being it can run without keys once the engine is going (why not show us on a shorter trip?). While we’d had a major car key stuff up of the traditional kind caused by rushing, forgetfulness and a subsequent breakdown in communication, I’d like to point out to BMW that this bit of engineering is as about as useful as a chocolate teapot. So after a few terse words we put the blame game on hold and agreed I’d deal with the problem of being stranded 45km from home with a keyless car that couldn’t be locked. So awesome.

I went inside the café, feeling like a moron, and sat down my parents who were sympathetic about the flat tyre. When I told them we’d upgraded to a new disaster they just stared at me. It was completely embarrassing so I was almost relieved when my 8-year-old started to get a bit mouthy about the fact there were no hash browns on offer. He has a dark gift of challenging any menu for his specific and sometimes exotic requirements. Not that hash browns indicate a sophisticated palate, but when he orders chickens feet in a Yum Cha restaurant we all dry retch.

So while I’m studying him, figuring out how to best respond without strangling him, I notice a strange blotchy red rash on his arms. Hell knows what he touched or ate to induce such a reaction, but by this stage I’m over it. So I tell my mum to pick him up some antihistamine on the way home, ideally the drowsy kind but the choice was all hers.

But the universe wasn’t done with me yet. While I’m sipping my latte contemplating a pricey Uber back home my phone rings. It’s my husband and I imagined he’d found a private place – probably while at Beaurepairs – in which he could freely give me a man serve about the car pickle we were in.

Instead his words were: “I can’t talk because I’m at an auction but the neighbours just called and said we’ve just been robbed!” You seriously could not make this stuff up. Unbelievable. Being a long weekend, a brazen gang of burglars was doing mid-morning house calls in our suburb. Mid morning! Apparently our alarm had gone off alerting our vigilant neighbours who notified the police. But due to my earlier madness, I’d left lying out in the open a convenient treasure trove of jewellery (including my wedding rings), devices, and a brand new iPhone still in its box. The day was a gift that kept on giving.

To cut a long story short, I quickly got an Uber home to deal with this stunning development. I felt sick about my jewellery but during the ride home I reflected on the only thing that ever matters is that your family is safe and well. It turned out we were really lucky. The robbers bolted as soon as the alarm went off and didn’t steal anything. As for the Uber driver, I couldn’t wrap up without a word on him. It was his first day on the job and he was consumed with nerves. Of course he was! I ended up directing him all the way home. Normally wouldn’t warrant a mention, but you know.

Feels good getting that off my chest. Suffice to say we shouldn’t have got out of bed that day and we made no sudden movements for the rest of the weekend. P.S. if there’s a lesson from my story, line up your valuables and take a photo. As for the rest of it, sometimes stupid stuff just happens in one go. But like everyone, we’ve got 100 per cent survival rate of crappy days.

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